Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Trust

–noun

1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2. confident expectation of something; hope.
3. confidence in the certainty of future payment for property or goods received; credit: to sell merchandise on trust.
4. a person on whom or thing on which one relies: God is my trust.
5. the condition of one to whom something has been entrusted.
6. the obligation or responsibility imposed on a person in whom confidence or authority is placed: a position of trust.
7. charge, custody, or care: to leave valuables in someone's trust.
8. something committed or entrusted to one's care for use or safekeeping, as an office, duty, or the like; responsibility; charge.


ok so last night was another al-non meeting. the meeting was way bigger this time and it was very emotional for some people. the topic of the night was trust... having trouble trusting not only oneself but family, friends, and others. this went for almost everyone...going from trusting the alcoholic for so long and all of that being pulled out from underneath you and very crucial. i did start to get upset but tried to hold it in...i didn't need to because i shouldn't feel embarrassed or scared when attending these meetings. the topic last night really hit home for me and was a huge discussion. i'm finding that these meetings really are helping me and making me realize that i can't do everything and i can't fix everything in this situation. it's all starting to make sense to me now...even from only going to 2 meetings i'm finding myself to be less paranoid about what other people are doing, saying about me, writing about me, etc. i've had the tendency to care too much about what others think and worry about making my family/friends happy before making myself happy and doing things for me. i remember driving around one day and saying to myself...somebody wake me up. someone make me realize that i can't do everything when i want to and i can't make everything okay. i can make things better and make my contributions but i can't heal everything and i can't be in control all the time. after broken promises, being let down and lied to so many times...that trust was completely ripped out from under me. i'm workin on it...

more hannah stouffer...

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Monday, March 30, 2009

another day...

first...some more art

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so far today was been an awesome day. my mom and i have spent the entire day together and it's really made me happy. along with our busy schedules we never have a lot of time to spend quality time together. we had lunch, went shopping, and i showed her some projects in the works. on top of all that...after taking a shower i received a very sweet good morning message:)

so later on this evening i'm meeting my aunt again...this time at starbucks:) we have another al-non meeting to attend. this time i'm hoping i won't be too shy or scared to talk. i know that once i do i'll be relieved and more comfortable. the people at these meetings are so supportive and i really hope to stay in contact with some of them. it's so amazing that not only me but everyone else that go to these meetings care about everyone else like i do...they are willing to help other people and be a shoulder to lean on when they don't necessarily know the person like that. i've always been some what ashamed to tell people the real deal and what really goes on in my house. now i'm realizing that i need to talk to people about it and try to open up to people...i'm not saying that i'm gonna tell everybody my business but people that i know will care and really listen to what i have to say. it's been very few people in the past...but certain people that i'm with or have a relationship with at this point in time i've been able to open up to. i can't know for sure if they really care and are willing to listen but i hope some part of them does. there are friends/significant others that i miss a lot and i can't wait to see them again. i'm thinking this summer will be huge for me...i'm not gonna say i'm starting fresh but things will be a bit different. so we'll see!

even though this week is my spring break, i'm staying busy...whats new lol. i've got al-non meetings tonight and possibly throughout the week, therapist tomorrow (never been to see one before...kinda nervous), hair appointment lol, work on upcoming projects, regular work, and other meetings. also, i'm trying to move into a house soon. i looked at one today that was so cute...it was very modern and funky...love it. it was a 2 bedroom, 1 bath, kitchen, small basement, and living room. it was small but the perfect size for me and my future puppy lol. i'm hoping it all works out.

oh and the best part of the day...i finally dropped the top:)

Saturday, March 28, 2009

i found these earlier today. it's artwork but they are selling these peices. some people might think they're strange and would never buy these as peices of furniture but i would. they're so unique and funky. love it.


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Friday, March 27, 2009

i'm ready for summer

ok so i got off work early today and i'm off for the weekend...finally lol. so i've been doing a little bit of early summer shopping because i can't help myself lol. i got my paycheck today so i have to limit myself:) some of these are way too expensive but who said i couldn't wish?

these are some bathing suit options that i've found at vicky secret and nordstroms...the last one i love, but it's too much money lol.

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hot shoes...

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clothes...

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love this michael kors watch and marc jacobs bag...

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Thursday, March 26, 2009

Hannah Stouffer

she's defenitly one of my new favorite artists...take a look for yourself



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i love that her work is masuline and feminine...i want some of her work for myself:)


in other news...i'm no longer going to alabama to see my besty:( i'm really sad cause i was so excited but i'm going in april instead! tomorrow is nat jones birthday so things are gonna get crazy tomorrow night lol. also, carolina plays tomorrow night so i'll definitely be tuned in.

my aunt/godmother said this to me tonight and i started crying..."You deserve happiness. A lot of it."

the thing is...i do. the things i've overcome in life and what i'm still dealing with everyday...i deserve a lot more then what i'm getting. i'm not saying that i'm some sad person all the time but this moment in my life there is a lot going on and i'm trying to keep my head up each and every day. as hard as i work, all the love i give, how thoughtful, considerate, and helpful i am i feel like i deserve more but i can't make that happen...i just take it day by day. all i've tried to do in life is ignore the things that bring me down and keep my head up at all times. most of the time i do but i have those days where i just wanna be alone and hide from the world. i do like my alone time and never want people to think i'm ignoring them or trying to be distant from them, i just need my own space every once in a while. i think everyone does at some point. .sometimes i look back at things, people, or situations that i've been upset about and just think to myself, "why am i crying over this" like when i put time and energy into something and it falls through and i get let down...i take it hard. i know it may sound kinda silly but i just have a lot of heart and i've always admired that about myself. i just can't thank my friends and family (except certain ppl) enough for being there for me and lifting me up at times when i wanted to stay down.


last thing...i've always loved this song and i listen to it almost everyday

Keep Singin' My Song - Christina Aguilera

I woke up this morning with a smile on my face
& Nobody's gonna bring me down today
Been feeling like nothings been going my way lately
So I decided right here and now that my outlooks gotta change

That's why I'm gonna
Say goodbye to all the tears I've cried
For everytime somebody hurt my pride
Feeling like they won't let me live life
& Take the time to look at what is mine

I see every lesson completely
I thank God for what I got from above
I believe they can take anything from me
But they can't succeed in taking my inner peace
They can say all they wanna say about me

But I'm gonna carry on
Keep on singing my song

I never wanna dwell on my pain again
There's no use in reliving how I hurt back then
Remembering all of the hell I felt when I was running out of faith
Every step I vowed to take was towards a better day

Cause I'm about to
Say goodbye to every single lie
& All the fears I've held too long inside
Everytime I felt I could try
All the negativity I had inside

For too long I've been struggling. I couldn't go on
But now I've found I'm feeling strong and moving on
I believe they can take anything from me
But they can't succeed in taking my inner peace
They can say all they wanna say about me

But I'm gonna carry on
I'm gonna keep on singing my song

Whoa, & everytime I tried to be what they wanted from me
It never came naturally
So I ended up in misery, wasn't able to see
All the good around me
They wasted so much energy on what they thought of me
Simply just remembering to breathe

I'm human, I ain't able to please
Everyone at the same time, so now I find
My peace of mind living one day at a time

I'm human and I answer to one god
It comes down to one love
Until I get to heave above

I've made the decision
Never to give up
Til the I day I die no matter what

I'm gonna carry on & keep on singing my song.....

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

my aunt has always said this to me...

"Everything is temporary"


Emmanuel Polanco...his work is so unique and abstract.


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Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Al Non and more

Today's reminder:

When I am able to accept the help of my higher power, it makes me feel capable of doing anything I am called upon to do. I am overcomoing my fears. I am acquiring a comfortable new confidence.

"Courage is fear that has said its prayers."



so tonight i went to my first al-non meeting. these meetings are for people that grew up in alcohalic environments...because of my dad's situation i felt like i needed to attend at least one to see what it was like. so my aunt took me to my first one tonight and i've learned so much already. i never thought that 50+ people could be in the same situation at me and relate to me that much...and i've never met these people. most of them were 21 and up so i was one of the youngest...i didn't say much because i wanted to observe and listen most of the time. it was one of those things where you go around and say "i'm lindsay" and everyone says, "hi lindsay" haha that always makes me laugh. but tonight i've learned to worry about myself more...not worry about what everyone else needs and how everyone else feels and focus on me for once. not that i'm going to be some selfish bitch now lol...i'm always going to be considerate and kind towards others but i'm not going to do too much for other people anymore. one of the sponsors said something that really made sense. he said, "it took me a while to realize that my daughter has a disease and that there is a person underneath it all, she's just really sick. so when she acts a certain way or says all these mean and hateful things...it's the alcohalic talking. i will never forget the day that she was so drunk that she could barely stand up and she gave me this look and that's when i knew she really wanted my help and all my anger went away." i think that at some point all of my anger could go away...but from the looks of things now, it isn't happening. they have to want help and you can't force them or try and convince them. they say that alcohalics drink to ease pain but at some point the pain will over shine that quick fix. so the meeting went fabulous and i will be going to more...

also, i'm going to alabama this weekend...the deep south lol. i'm so excited because i haven't seen my besty in foreverrrr!! i've never been before either but from what she's told me it's wild lol. i'm so pumped and i'm glad her and whitney will be here during the summer.

here is the "signs of spring" collection...i love these


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random...

yep it's mine except she's white instead of orange. she's getting a new paint job next week:) can't wait for hot weather...


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Monday, March 23, 2009

Patience

pa⋅tience – noun

1. the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.

2. an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay



all my life i feel like i could've been a little more patient when it comes to everything. whether it be waiting on a ride, an answer to a question, someone to call back, or to open a birthday present lol. i guess i'm just ready to go and get things done that i hate when i have to stop and wait. whenever i wanna do something i want it to be right that second. i've always been a productive and focused person so i hate when someone or something gets in my way of getting something done. my mom used to always tease me whenever i'd get in the car and say "you're 10 minutes late" lol. i always like to be on time and prompt when it comes to anything. if i'm late i feel really guilty lol...i know might seem silly but that's just how i am. i take work, projects, and school very seriously so i always like to be prepared and ready for anything.

there is a lot going on at this point in my life and i've just told my self over and over to just be patient. it will happen and everything will be ok...i just need to be patient. when it comes to my dad i want it to be fixed right now but that's impossible. i just have to be patient and give it time i guess...i'm hoping everything will turn out ok. i am patient when it comes to relationships though...i hate rushing into things. as long as we're both comfortable and make that connection...there should be no rushing. and the boyfriend/girlfriend label means nothing...just like marriage, most people just like the title/label. most people just like the idea of marriage and the lavish wedding ceremony following a reception. i have watching platinum weddings before and that shit is pretty cool though, i just like the design aspect of it all i guess lol.

if anything i've learned to be more patient when it comes to everything. i can't be go go go and do do do every second. maybe with school work and rides...but not with my dad's situation. i have to wait it out, keep trying, and hope for the best. if it doesn't work...at least i went to sleep knowing i tried my best and put my all into it.



patience is key


patience might be on the inside of my wrist soon:)


new music on my playlist


Saturday, March 21, 2009

Stina Persson

one of my favorite artists


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i'll post more tomorrow